My Stiff Upper Lip Isn’t Working
Some of my generation and certainly those of my parents’ generation were taught that you must “tough it out” when things got a bit rocky–physically, financially, spiritually or emotionally. “You just need to have a stiff upper lip!” they would say. For those who remember the Great Depression, those thoughts perhaps came from not having financial resources to purchase medicine or go to a doctor. You just did your home remedies and prayed for the best. If it was financial troubles, you got an extra job and tightened your belt. But if the troubles were emotional or spiritual, you often just did not talk about it. I was raised in such a family.
When I was small, my confidante and confessor was my mother. However, as I got older, I too joined the practitioners of “The Stiff Upper Lip” rule. My father/pastor was raised in a family that adhered to this rule. So, when he had anger, sadness or grief, he internalized it and, as a result, experienced headaches fairly regularly. He would “talk shop” with older, more experienced pastors but most of them were part of the same “suffer in silence” club. On the other hand, my mother was raised with two sisters who talked about everything. Since my father would not talk about such things, her primary recourse was to “Tell it to Jesus” which she regularly did. But she also suffered an emotional breakdown and, as a result, my brother and I were shipped off to be with grandparents for part of one summer.
It was not until I went to college that I discovered that there were other ways to handle these emotional rough spots and my classes in psychology provided some insight. When I came to Southern Baptist Seminary, thankfully, I learned about Pastoral Care which is Biblically grounded but also guided by sound clinical practice. I have been a fan of such counseling because it has helped me understand that I did not have to go through emotional difficulties alone. Gail and I visited a pastoral counselor before we were married and have touched base with a counselor during significant transitions in our lives.
If you are still part of the stiff upper lip club, in the words of a prominent politician “How’s that working for you?” My hunch is that it has not worked all that well. Therefore, I recommend to you a great resource available to our church family and others. Call the counselors of LifeCare Counseling Center and make an appointment. You will be glad you did.
-Dale Tucker, Chairman, LifeCare Board
LifeCare Counseling Center, Inc.
One of the best kept secrets aroundWalnutStreetBaptistChurchis the existence and impact of our own Christian counseling center. Originally founded under the name of the “Center for Christian Counseling” and then later renamed the “LifeCare Counseling Center,” this counseling ministry outreach of Walnut Street has been caring for individuals and families within the congregation and the community since 1985. William Holley, MD first saw the need for explicitly Christian counseling and in his retirement from medical practice, became the first director/counselor in the new fledgling counseling ministry. Through the years we have grown and evolved to meet the needs of our constituency and we are now in the latter stages of incorporation and gaining non-profit status under the administrative oversight of a Board of Directors.
For over twenty five years, LifeCare has been both a service and training center where masters and doctoral level counseling students have assisted the licensed staff in a part-time capacity as counseling interns providing them with an opportunity to assist in the ministry while receiving experience under qualified supervision..
Currently there are six part-time counselors led by Clinical Director, Dr. Leigh Conver. The Center’s main offices are in theSouthMainBuildingat1143 South Third Streetsecond floor (Suite C). To facilitate greater access to theLouisvillemetro area, we also maintain three satellite offices: Chip Crisman, LMFT has an office inMt.Washington; Heather Brooks, LMFT has an office in Crestwood; and Dr. Leigh Conver, LMFT has an office in the east end Stony Brook neighborhood. We are also able to provide bilingual counseling in Spanish.
LifeCare continues to service the emotional, relational and spiritual needs of individuals, couples and families on a sliding scale fee for service basis and is accessible by appointment Monday through Friday by calling 581-1258 and leaving a confidential voicemail. Office manager Stacey Hohl or one of the clinical staff will attempt to respond within 24 hours Monday through Friday to arrange an appointment.
Leigh E Conver, PhD, LMFT
A MEMORIAL CELEBRATION
In Psalms 31:9-10 David said: Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. (NIV)
If grief still troubles you, it doesn’t matter how long ago the loss was. Many people quietly suffer from grief. Their loneliness is always with them, though they may tell no one. What can one do with this grief?
A memorial service may not make grief go away but it can provide a shared time for mourning the loss of a loved one and celebrating their life. It also reminds us of the hope we find through our faith.
Paul wrote to the church in I Thessalonians 4:13-18: My friends, we want you to understand how it will be for those followers who have already died. Then you won’t grieve over them and be like people who don’t have any hope. We believe that Jesus died and was raised to life. We also believe that when God brings Jesus back again, he will bring with him all who had faith in Jesus before they died…all of us who are still alive will be taken up into the clouds together with them to meet the Lord in the sky. From that time on, we will all be with the Lord forever…Encourage each other with these words.
Some churches hold a memorial service called the “Longest Night” service because it is held on the longest night of the year December 21, the winter solstice. It helps to know that from that day forward, the dark of night will be less each day, much as time begins to heal our grief.
The memorial service can combine music, time for contemplation, scripture reading, sharing photos of loved ones, candle lighting and the spoken word for a time of worship and remembrance. The service can serve as a church wide memorial for losses experienced throughout the year. This certainly will not replace funerals or other rituals individuals and families participate in following their loss. It can supplement those and give people a chance to tangibly experience that they go through their loss as a part of community and that they are not alone.
The LifeCare Counseling Center will conduct a Memorial Service on Sunday, November 7 at 6:00 pm in the sanctuary of Walnut Street Baptist Church. We will celebrate the lives of our friends and family members who have died between November 2008 and October 31, 2010. If you and your family and friends would like to participate in this celebration, please look for one or two photos that present your loved one in a way that is meaningful to you. Contact the LifeCare office at lifecare_officemanager@yahoo.com or 502-581-1258 to find out more information about the service.
ISSUES WHILE HOSPITALIZED
Being hospitalized often goes hand in hand with the worst experience of life and times when, more than ever, support of family and friends is needed. From the hospital side of Spiritual and Pastoral Care, there are two very important issues.
The first is privacy. I have pastor friends who remember being in a small town parish a handful of decades ago when the mid-morning and noon radio newscast included a recitation of neighbors in the hospital – and why they were admitted. Hospital admission was a “public event”. Not so today. Hospital admissions are protected by federal laws including the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 and, more recently, the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. Both call for hefty fines on Healthcare Workers and Healthcare Facilities who release information about the hospitalization of a patient.
Violation of patient privacy can result in fines from $1000 to $50,000 for the individual responsible. So, hospitals and hospital staff are no longer able to notify the church or pastor that you’ve been admitted . . . unless you specifically request that they do so. Receiving spiritual and pastoral support from the pastor, the congregation, or members of your class depend on you or a member of your family making contact or asking the appropriate hospital staff member – for example the hospital chaplain – to advise the church of your admit.
The second issue is developing Advanced Directives. Most people say they don’t want to burden family in the critical junctures of life. Recently completed research revealed that the family members of patients who died with an Advanced Directive or Living Will in place had significantly less stress, anxiety, and depression than those who didn’t. Family members were more likely to feel at peace with the death of a family member when Advanced Directives were in place.
In KY, there are four Advanced Directive documents - The Durable Power of Attorney form that addresses delegation of power in legal and financial matters, The Living Will and Surrogate form that addresses who is to speak for you on medical care when you are unable to speak for yourself and what your preferences are related to end of life and extraordinary interventions (feeding tubes, ventilators, etc), The EMS DNR form that addresses extraordinary interventions by an EMS team, and, finally, the organ donation forms (driver’s license, KY state registry of donors, some Living Will forms that also address organ donation).
The single most helpful thing you can do for those who care about you is to “keep them in the loop.” Let them know if you’re hospitalized or planning to be. Ask for a hospital chaplain to contact the church/pastor if you’re admitted unexpectedly. Prepare Advanced Directives so you, your family members, and your healthcare providers are clear about your wishes before things are critical. Knowing what loved ones want in critical health care situations brings freedom rather than guilt and anxiety to family members.
Dr. Linda G Frost, Director Chaplain Services @ Sts Mary & Elizabeth Hospital; Board of Directors @ Life Care Counseling Center
